Guys are funny sometimes. I love when they say “I’d give it to her…” or “she could get it…” They say these things as if they are a prize or something. When a girl gives me any sort of physical pleasure/attention I fall to my knees and thank them as if they just spared my life. Some dudes really think they can get any girl!

Hall Pass is about two married dudes who like to stare at girls tits and asses. They walk around like fiends making deposits in the spank bank. One the dudes makes his withdrawal in his minivan outside his families house. He can’t get any poontang from his wife, but he just can’t quite figure out why! Hmm, maybe its got a little something to do with how you made wifey feel second rate to all the street whores walking around town. Nobody is perfect, everyone makes mistakes. Sometimes you need a lesson to really learn the error of your ways.

Enter main plot point! The wives decide, from the advice of Joy Behar, that they should give their husbands one week off from marriage. A “Hall Pass”, if you will. This may surprise you, the fact that these woman are willing to let their fuck hungry men loose to flock across the town like wild boar. What surprised me most though was that two people thought it was a good idea to take advice from Joy Behar.

So we witness the pathetic attempts by these men to try and plow hot girls, day after day. Failure after failure, I’d say their game is weak but there is no game at all to critique. These dudes don’t even talk to women until a few days into the week. How pathetic! They spent all this time looking at other woman, taking mental photographs of titties to jack off to later at night in the Honda Odyssey, all at the expense of their wives feelings and now that they have their chance they are ordering everything on the menu at applebees and having pot brownies for desert. And you know what the funny thing is? The wives are the ones getting the love and attention from the opposite sex.

Both of the wives get attractive men interested in them. Eventually the numbskull husbands get some promising poontang prospects as well. Some of the characters take the bait, others don’t. I won’t give away the ending, although I’m sure you know how it’s gonna go.

The movie has some funny moments but as a whole I didn’t find it to be anything really great. It’s just seems pretty predictable and for the most part forgettable. For a comedy, this movie was kinda depressing. What I take away from it isn’t the jokes and funny moments but more or less how sad some parts of the movie were. The grass isn’t always greener on the other side of the fence, in fact most times its covered in dog turds, with tan marks where the dog pee’d and there’s newspapers from months past strewn about because there is nobody around to pick them up.

Everybody I know that has seen Taken really dug it.  I mean, what’s not to like?  A middle-aged father’s daughter gets kidnapped and he must kick everybody’s ass until he finds her.  Sounds pretty entertaining and kinda hilarious to me!

It’s no surprise that the same sick bastards that enjoyed Taken would want to see Unknown.  Seems like a similar plot, don’t it?  Man has shit stolen from him and then man must kick everybody’s ass till he gets it back.  In this film, it’s his identity that has been robbed from him so you’d think he would have to kick even more ass to get it back.  And if you thought that, then you’re WRONG.

Every time he is asked for his ID he should snap a neck or stab someone in the stomach but he doesn’t.  He is so well mannered and plays by the rules the whole time.  It’s like Taken but the dude is straight pussy.

So, you pay 10 bucks or so, and get all excited ready for this dude to just rip everyone a new asshole but to you and everybody’s surprise he don’t rip many a new at all.  ”Surprise” is probably not even the best word to use either because it often conjures up thoughts of pleasant surprises.  But this isn’t pleasant at all.  Watching this movie is not unlike sitting bare-ass naked on a fucking bed of nails!  No wait, its worse!  Watching this fucking movie is like being bare-ass naked, getting covered in feces and then being thrown from a full story window and landing full force on a bed of rusty dirty nails with aids blood sprinkled on em, all while you’re on acid having the worst trip of your life ever!

This movie is about a dude who travels to a foreign country, gets into a car accident, bumps his big dumb head and wakes up four days later in the hospital.  When he finally reunites with his wife she doesn’t even know who he is and there’s is another dude claiming to be him.  Sounds like most marriages to me so I don’t see the big deal but hey, whatever.  He’s all freaked out and you think, man, this guy is just gonna lose it and assholes are just gonna get ripped left and fucking right.  Just an old fashioned a-hole ripping rampage.  So you wait for the fighting and you wait and you wait, then you fall asleep, wake up and then wait some more.  But nothing, nothing at all happens.

This guy just wanders the streets like a small child walking into the movie halfway asking everyone around him, “What’s going on?”  It’s pathetic and repetitive.  I felt like I watched the same scenes over and over.  I dunno how many times this dude crossed paths with his fake impostor or how many times he tried to convince people he was the real Martin Harris.  I kinda wished that “Will the real slim shady please stand up?” would play over him unleashing holy hell on all these non-believer fucks!  ”Will the real “Martin Harris” please stand up!?  Please stand up!”

My god, I wish I was just exaggerating here but I’m not.  Watching this movie in its entirety is a test of one’s will.  Its relentlessly repetitious and boring, it’s unforgiving.  They should have called this movie “Unforgiving”.

And then it happens, after waiting for about an hour and 45 minutes Martin Harris turns bad-ass for about 30 seconds and then the movie ends.  What. The. Fuck?!

So take a tip from me.  If you’re expecting another Taken, don’t even bother.  If you are a sadomasochist and you enjoy pain and suffering, I will highly recommend this movie to you!  I would also suggest you preorder the Blu-ray as well cuz you’re gonna love this shit.

There’s been so many super hero movies that have come out in recent years. They’ve gone through all the really popular characters and now it seems they are left with the B-rate ones. I guess sooner or later they’ll be making movies about superheroes like Arm Fall Off Boy or Matter Eater Lad.  I really would like to star in the full length feature of Matter Eater Lad myself, that would be a real dream.  Anyway…

Luckily for us, we’re still living in the days of semi-relevant superhero movies. Enter, Green Hornet. The story of a rich talentless dude with a bad-ass butler sidekick.  Now doesn’t that sound like an awesome superhero character?!  It’s no Arm Fall Off Boy or nothing but it’s still pretty bad-ass.

I found the first half of this movie to be pretty good actually.  There’s a lot of funny moments throughout and it’s a real joy to watch the friendship of Kato and Britt Reid (Seth Rogen’s character) grow. I found this to actually be the only really worth while aspect of the movie.  The chemistry between the two is really entertaining and kinda endearing actually.  In a way, they complete each other.  Although exact opposites they work perfectly because of it.

Britt Reid is a wealthy bumbling idiot who parties all night and lives off his dads money during the day.  Kato, his butler, on the other hand, is a downright fuckin genius.  The dude does it all, builds up cars that are impenetrable with Ben-Hur like spikes the shoot out from the rims and rockets that shoot out from the hood.  He’s a great artist, an amazing fighter with lightening speed and he makes a damn good cup of coffee too!  I think I just wanted him as my butler/sidekick for the coffee alone.

He has all these talents but it’s really Britt Reid that comes up with the idea to use the talents to fight evil.  Without Britt’s naive, child-like nature, Kato’s gadgets and talents would go unused and unnoticed.  When they succeed at their first night at crime fighting they go back to Britt’s mansion and jump for joy in celebration.  It really is just so cute watching these two.

Then all of a sudden, something comes over the joy and fun that this movie once had, stabs it five times in the chest and then turns around and takes a huge fucking shit all over it.  The second half just turns into any other Hollywood action movie. Shit explodes, cars get destroyed and/or chopped in half, the parts of those cars fall on top of people ultimately chopping them in half too.  I mean don’t get me wrong I guess it has to end with a huge action sequence and that’s fine, I suppose.  I just wish we got more of Kato and Britt together.  They end up fighting, I guess about half way into the movie, and then after that it’s not as fun.  They only reconcile at the end and I just wish they were together for the whole thing.

Green Hornet isn’t great but it isn’t bad. The friendship and comedy between Kato and Britt is worth the price of admission alone, in my opinion. An unknown actor named Jay Chou plays Kato and he definitely steals the show here.  I haven’t read the reviews on this film but I reckon they aren’t too good, although I wouldn’t be surprised if others enjoyed Jay Chou’s portrayal of Kato.  I don’t think he’s gonna be an unknown anymore.

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